Lemons vs. Cool Runnings

Lousy Lemons Last Large Legitimate Loss

So, this is where it all ends. For everyone. Not only did this game signal the end of the Cryptic Lemons, it also signaled the end of each players 6-a-side career at university (Apart from the few who were going to play for other teams in the playoffs.) The Lemons had only 30 minutes left to display everything that they had learnt at university (in a footballing sense, not a text based learning sense.) Each player knew that this would be the last time that they pulled on the now famous yellow jersey and, as a result should have resulted in a spirited performance. Only it didn't. 

The opponents, Cool Runnings were something of an enigma, having only entered the league at the halfway stage. Their performances had been erratic and according to our vague statistician, had lost a few but also won a few. This sort of irrelevant data should have spurred the Lemons on as the Runnings could be beaten. Only they weren't. 

Playing their second game in 4 days, the Lemons were able to keep the same team for the first time in the season which you would assume meant that the players would be aware of how each other play. Well, dear reader, if you have learnt anything from these hastily compiled, mainly false reports, it is that you should never assume anything. It'll only make you look stupid. Jones was once again absent as his angina flared up again just a few hours prior to kick off. Despite the setback, he still turned up to spectate, braving the Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat temperatures.

This meant that the Lemons kept their almost familiar line up of  the bulky King in goal, the warhorse-like Mattinson and Gench in defence, the creative mixed with the committed Tom and Fenwick in midfield and Kearney buzzing around like a blue arsed fly up front. Assisting Jones with cheerleading duties were Jake and Catling.

For the first few seconds, it appeared that the game could swing either way, with the Lemons keeping the ball for a good 5 seconds before giving it away cheaply for the first time. The Runnings sensed this lack of heart, passion, effort and commitment within minutes and began peppering Kings goal with shots from every angle, all of which he managed to deal with. At the other end, the Runnings keeper was indulging in a packed lunch he'd brought himself, tucking into a ham sandwich and a Trio as King and the Lemons defence were trying to cope with the non-stop onslaught that was battering them and threatening to break through. Finally, and unsurprisingly, the Runnings scored, with their ever impressive striker finding the smallest corner of the goal to slide the ball into, curling it past King 0-1

 
Having not learnt from their mistakes, the Lemons went on to concede an identical goal. although seemingly
deja-vu, the referee let the goal stand, rejecting please that goal had been scored a minute earlier and everyone on the pitch was suffering from deja-vu at the exact same time. 0-2

 
The double strike soon became a quadruple strike within a matter of minutes, firstly, sliding in at the back post to knock a hopeful cross into the net then heading a deflected cross in at the same back post. Although questions were raised about how the same player could be unmarked 4 times to score 4 goals in about 4 minutes with 4 different body parts from 4 angles to put his team 4-0 up, no-one raised the issue of the number 4 which seemingly played an innocent part in the Lemons downfall. But I guess the blame needs to go somewhere and the unwitting number 4 will shoulder all of the blame.  0-4

By this point, and with any notion that they may win the game firmly behind them, the Lemons began playing football in the way that they can and have been. The pressure of expectation had been lifted and firmly dispelled by the time Fenwick pulled an undeserved goal back for the Lemons, taking the ball on his chest inside his own half before powering into the Runnings half and interrupting the keeper who was halfway through a packet of Chocolate Hob Nob's to rifle a shot into the net from outside the area. 1-4

Any notion that this goal could life the Lemons was quickly eradicated as the Runnings scored again to restore their 4 goal cushion, and for once their prolific striker was not the recipient of some insipid defending, instead some other fella was, brilliantly evading no challenges on his merry way to goal. 1-5

Thankfully the half time whistle was blown shortly after to save the Lemons from any further embarrassment

Half-Time 1-5

During the half time break, the Lemons brought out their secret weapon which must only be used in times of extreme crisis. From his bag, King produced 8 pairs of Gareth Southgate (Champion Of The English National Football Team) endorsed Ball Boy Shoes. Why anyone would want shoes worn by a ball boy is still a mystery but an endorsement from Gareth Southgate can only be a good thing. With a renewed sense of hope, the Lemons began the second half......well......badly......No one played as well as Gareth Southgate and may even forgot the basics of football: passing, tackling and movement. Mentioning shooting wasn't even necessary as it looked as if the Lemons wouldn't even get that close to the Runnings goal. After trying unsuccessfully to let the Runnings increase their lead even further by not bothering to mark any of their players, the Lemons scored completely against the run of play, with Tom turning home a cut back ball to reduce the deficit. 2-5

Things were looking up but promptly looked down again as the Runnings scored 2 in quick succession, with their players being given enough time to compose themselves, recite a Shakespeare play, invent a time travel machine and still have time to finish with aplomb past the increasingly irate King. 2-6

The teams traded goals for a little bit just for shits and giggles as both teams realised that the game had been won and lost in the first half. Catling added a third for the Lemons before the Runnings scored again. Just for a laugh, Tom scored his second, profiting from the referees lack of movement, bringing the ball back into play and scoring a cheeky goal. With the score at 4-7, the Lemons were keen to push on as there were more goals in the game. Only not for them. Keeping to the 'you score one, we score one' pattern, the Lemons stood still from the kick off, allowing the prolific Runnings striker to walk through a number of wafting challenges before adding to his, and the Runnings tally. 4-8

 
And that was it. The season had officially ended as had the Lemons existence. But all team members know that in their hearts , once a Lemon, always a Lemon. And that's meant in a non-derogatory way. I'm out.

Final-Score 4-8

Player Ratings

Dave King - 6 - Conceded 8. Nuff said.
Charlie Mattinson - 6 - A shadow of his former self.
Matt Gench - 6 - Don't recall too much about Matt's performance which could be a good thing. Or a bad thing.
Tom - 7 (Man of the Match) - Tried and weighed in with a few goals but unable to do it all on his own.
Adam Fenwick - 6 - Didn't do too much wrong, just failed to influence the game in the way that he can.
Simon Kearney - 5 - Very poor by his standards, given very little opportunity and missed when he did get opportunities.
Jake - 4 - Inability to play an easy ball or tackle resulted in much frustration.
Scott Catling - 4 - Unable to stay in one position and mark, one of 6-a-sides deadly sins.

Lemons vs. Ecclesall Dynasty

Lavish Lemons Liquidate Large Lame Line-Up

The unfortunate but slightly deserved defeat last week to Barca-Loners ensured that the game against Ecclesall Dynasty meant approximately nothing. To anyone. Ecclesall Dynasty's season ended after the first ever game where the Lemons took them apart to record a 5-4 victory. So it was to the Lemons credit that they kept their season going this long and even though the prospect of reaching the playoffs was still just about mathematically possible (if an elaborate series of events culminating in most other teams dropping out of the league took place), Manager King preferred to be cynical and pessimistic, announcing prior to the game that the Lemons had no chance of ever reaching the playoffs. Ever. Even if they tried really hard. 

Arguments concerning King's man management skills aside, the Lemons were able to field a near full strength team with the exception of Jones whose community service coincided with the game. Well, if you're going to heckle Bingo callers, you should expect to be punished. As the old saying goes: Don't Do The Crime If You Can't Do The Time. So while Jones was completing a thoroughly meaningless task, so were the Lemons. 

Catling was recalled this week after a period out after returning from hospital following his plastic surgery to look like his favourite star. Apparently Brian Blessed thinks the outcome is "...uncanny but slightly creepy..."

Starting the game for the Lemons was the now familiar line-up of King in goal, Tom and Gench in defence, Fenwick and Catling in Midfield, Kearney beavering away up front and Mattinson and Jake warming the bench. The Dynasty brought along a cast of thousands, possibly under the impression that bringing 25 rubbish players would somehow intimidate the Lemons more than if they just brought their usual 8 rubbish players. This attempted psychological warfare backfired as watching them warm-up for around 30 seconds dispelled rumours that the Dynasty had any useful players.

For the first few minutes, the Lemons decided to sit back and soak up all the pressure that the Dynasty could possibly muster. It amounted to a few shots that were only on target because they were miss-hit, a couple of corners which would have been well-worked if the players knew what each other was doing and a series of long balls to the fat lad up front who would hold it up before releasing it. Hardly impressive. Although their 5 female supporters made obligatory female fan noises (OOOOOHHHHing and AHHHHHing as if they were watching a fireworks display), nobody was under the impression that the Dynasty were coming close to a goal. After employing the 'knock it to the fat lad' tactic for the 14th time, the Lemons became wise to the brilliant game plan of the Dynasty. Slowly, the Lemons began to pick off Dynasty passes at will and marked the fat lad tight, ensuring that the only thing he had time to release was copious amounts of sweat. Which he did.

All of the Dynastys good work was quickly undone as Kearney unleashed a rapier of a shot before the Keeper had time to remove his hands from his pockets. 1-0

In a twist to the Spice Girls classic, one became two soon after, with Kearney again involved, turning from goalscorer to goal provider, laying off a neat pass just inside the area for Tom to sweep home, prompting jubilant celebrations from no-one such was the Lemons hunger to restart and get more goals. 2-0

Only the goals would have to come post-half time as both teams offered very little in the period leading up until the half time whistle.

Half Time 2-0

Unsurprisingly, the goals continued to flow after the break although they took a while to come. Fenwick was the first to profit, showing that he is much more than a one trick pony when it comes to scoring goals, preferring to turn a few defenders before unleashing an angled blast across the keeper from outside the box this week, marking a departure from his recent strikes. 3-0

But then as the Lemons looked to assume total control of the game, the Dynasty decided that they would give their supporters something to get properly excited about. Their first goal came as a result of some kindly play by the Lemons defence. On a number of occasions the Dynasty strikers were presented with the ball in the area but somehow contrived to spurn opportunity after opportunity. However, with the defence nowhere to be seen, King rolling around on the floor and the ball hovering around the goal line, the fat lad managed to put the ball in prompting unnecessarily vocal cheers from the female fans. 3-1

Within a minute, the Dynasty were only one behind, with a Dynasty striker planting a shot into the net with his 50p foot, completely wrong-footing King. 3-2

With the lead down to one goal, the Lemons stopped toying with their opponents and began playing football again. The gulf in quality was displayed as Mattinson turned sharply near the potentially deadly stone wall, taking out two defenders who could only stand around looking bemused as he hit a curling drive past the keeper from outside the area. 4-2

Sensing an imminent defeat, the Dynasty thought that they would try their hand at another sport, namely tag team wrestling. They informed the referee of their plans but failed to tell the Lemons who came under a number of robust challenges, Kearney in particular being a target of their misplaced wrath. The lack of free kicks incensed the Lemons players but their protests were only met with a nonchalent shrug of the referees shoulders whose interpretation of the rules of Football slightly differed to that of the Lemons. Somewhere amongst the fighting, a game of football broke out, allowing Fenwick to register his second goal and the Lemons fifth. 5-2

Although the Lemons had few opportunities to add to their lead, they managed to contain the lack of threat posed by the Dynasty, with Catling in particular out to destroy legs with a number of crunching tackles. The referee displayed that he did know something about football by blowing his whistle for full time minutes later bringing the game to an end, leaving the Lemons with the smallest of outside chances of qualification. Even though they won't.

Full Time 5-2

Player Ratings

Dave King - 7 - No chance with either of the goals and made the saves he needed to make at the times saves needed making. Which is lucky otherwise it would have resulted in more goals.
Charlie Mattinson - 8 - Commitment personified. Scored a peach, was nearly sick and got a bloody nose. Brilliant!
Matt Gench - 8 - Another good performance. Didn't try anything too fancy which helped the team look solid at the back.
Tom - 7 - Scored a rare goal as well as contributing a lot both in defence and attack.
Jake - 6 - Unpredictable this week, showed nice skills but too often followed it with no end product.
Scott Catling - 7 - A much improved performance. A couple of huge tackles were the highlight of a performance full of promise.
Adam Fenwick - 9 (Man of the Match) - 2 goals that showed he can strike the ball from all areas and proved to be a threat all game.
Simon Kearney - 8 - Scored one and set up 3 others. Another successful day at the office.

Lemons vs. Barca-Loners

Lemons Lament Late Late Late Loss

And so to Barca-Loners. Following on from the 15-0 drubbing/pasting/embarrassingly easy victory over the talentless Weirdo Wanderers, the Lemons came into the game against the Loners brimming with confidence. Morale was boosted futher as the Lemons won a funny name-off prior to the match, easily beating every other team that has ever played any sport. Ever. Although not an official title and hardly internationally renowned (i.e. I just made it up to fill space) the news buoyed the spirits in the camp during the obligatory warm up. In other made up events, Mattinson won a hi-tempo dance-off. But being the only participant, success was inevitable. So....................well done on an achievement you didn't achieve.

The ususal drop out rate was sadly lacking from the pre-match build up, making Kings job far too easy. The only absentee/amputee was Catling who was called in to work. Apparently it's hard to find good quality cockle pickers these days. Seems strange...................many people have made good careers out of it. Plus you get to work at the seaside all day. Potential bucket and spade fun to be had. Playing in place of Catling was Jake, making his fourth start. The Lemons also welcomed back Tom and Fenwick after their joint pilgrimage to Mecca. 

Starting for the Lemons was King in goal, Jones and Mattinson in defence, Gench and Fenwick in midfield and Kearney up front. 

Within seconds the Loners displayed the sort of play that had guided them to second place in the league, with some neat passing leading to a shot which left King beaten but luckily for the Lemons the ball rebounded off the post and back into play. 

Actually showing some form of footballing knowledge for a change, the Lemons kept the game tight, with players actually keeping to positions and playing intelligent balls to each other. After Kearney was kicked/pulled/shoved/caresssed to the right of the Loners box, the referee rightly awarded a free kick in favour of the Lemons. The big guns arrived from the back attempting to use their height to cause problems. As it turned out their presence was entirely unnecessary as Gench smashed the ball with all his might across the face of the box for the (allegedly) smallest man on the pitch, Jones, to elaborately and brilliantly backheel in from a few feet out in a Zola-esque fashion. 1-0

As has become the case, the Lemons became scared of their lead and after a few minutes with nothing of any significance happening, the Loners squared things up withh some fella capitalising on lax defending to curl a shot high into the top corner past the unsighted King. 1-1

The Lemons promptly began a mini revival with another goal coming from the unlikely source of Jones who increased his goal output for the season by 340% with a long range strike which didn't spin, dip, curl, wobble or even move very much on its painstakingly slow trip to the goal. However something about the shot decieved the keeper who decided that instead of saving the shot, he'd gently push it into the net. Brilliant. However after crediting Jones with a goal he didn't score last week, this one goes down as an own goal.  2-1

 
In this see-saw, swings and roundabouts, climbing frame game, the Loners once again drew level via the penalty spot after Tom showed great agility to palm the ball round the post. Just a shame he wasn't in goal. The penalty was dispatched with aplomb just inside the left hand post 2-2

The remainder of the half was played out in committed circumstances, with both teams refusing to shirk challenges leading to a number of massive tackles from both teams. Bloodied, bruised, battered but not broken the Lemons ended the half on top and threatening more goals.

Half Time 2-2


After a strangely passionate and (a)rousing half time talk, the Lemons set out with a renewed sense of vigor. Without creating many chances, the Lemons found themselves in front for the third time, with a textbook goal. Just outside his own box and under pressure from the Loners strikers, Gench used his Spidey-sense to quickly calculate that the Loners keeper was rubbish. He launched the ball high into the night sky, giving the Loners keeper ample time to wave at it before it landed into the back of the net. Fluke?? Brilliance?? Exemplary goalkeeping?? Who knows?? The only fact was that the Lemons had restored their lead. 3-2

The spirited Loners refused to buckle under the pressure and the handicap they faced due to the fact that their goalkeeper was on day release from the school for 'special boys and girls'  to draw level for the thrid time, this time their striker shooting across King after working himself into space. 3-3

After the third goal went in the Lemons tried to self destruct, giving away 36 fouls around their own box according to inaccurate statistics. Despite the presence of a wall, the Loners striker somehow managed to get every shot on target, forcing King to make a few smart saves before Kearney produced a stunning goalline clearance from a shot which was destined for the back of the net. The Loners didn't have things all their own way as the Lemons tried in vain to beat the suspect keeper, with Tom and Kearney registering valid attempts on goal. 

However with the whistle happy referee's footballing knowledge equalling my knowledge of the Nolan Sisters (i.e. not very much) and his insistence to give away free kicks for fun it was only a matter of time until he let  the Loners pressure pay off. Another free kick on the edge of the Lemons box took a deflection off the wall and landed at the feet of Emile Heskeys fatter, less talented half-brother who, unlike his relative, scored after throwing Gench to the floor with a Power Slam. 3-4

As soon as the ball crossed the line, the final whistle went as did the Lemons hopes of reaching the playoffs. With another 2 games to play, the Lemons can still qualify but it will take a miracle of Jesus proportions for that to happen.

Final Score 3-4


Player Ratings

Dave King - 6 - Should have dealt with a few of the Loners goals but made saves at cruical times in the game.
Indy Andy Jones - 9 (Man Of The Match) - An all-action performance from Jones capped with a strike of rare quality as well as one of slightly less quality. They all count though.
Charlie Mattinson - 7 - Quieter performance this week after his 4 goal bonanza last week but still made an impact in what was a fine Lemons performance.
Jake - 6 - Looked a little lost this week as the challenges flew in. Played his part though and showed a number of good touches.
Matt Gench - 8 - Another fine performance topped off with a 'Did he mean it?' goal. Personally I think he did mean it.
Adam Fenwick - 7 - Always full of running although had no opportunity to smash the ball home from close range this week.
Tom - 7 - Committed performance, constantly driving the Lemons on. didn't let his head drop after giving away one of the most obvious penalties ever seen.
Simon Kearney - 9 - Toss up between Kearney and Jones for the MoM award this week. Despite not scoring, Kearney put in a storming preformance.