Lemons vs. Weirdo Wanderers

Lethal, Liberated Lemons Leather Lethargic Losers

With the winter months ending with great spite and vengance, the Lemons game the previous week was called off due to a load of small white stuff falling from the sky. Experts later confirmed that the white stuff was in fact 'snow,' a substance rarely seen in England and judging by the complete over reaction to cancel last weeks game, it is seemingly viewed as being treacherous to the point where a 30 minute football game cannot take place. Whinges aside, it's just as well that the game didn't take place because the Lemons squad was depleted with Mattinson visiting a Leprechaun convention in Dublin and various other essential squad members MIA.

However squad selection was not made any easier this week as Tom,Fenwick, Rich and Catling all provided King with plausible excuses why they wouldn't be turning up. A late scare was avoided as Mattinson performed a hi-tempo workout to 'It's Raining Men' in the front room minutes before kickoff to ease the pain he had allegedly been suffering in his back. However his reluctance to allow the team Physio to examine his back further increased speculation that Mattinson actually enjoys performing elaborate dance routines to 80's disco classics. Mattinson was therefore able to take his place in the team along with Gench's mates Nick and the prolific Jake who were drafted in late to ease the load.

The Lemons started with King in goal, Mattinson and Nick in defence, Gench and Jake  in midfield and Kearney up front.
Having not played for a week it would be expected (and understandable) for the Lemons to gently ease into the game before remembering how to play football later in the game. Not being a team which sticks with convention, the Lemons instead went ahead within 30 seconds with Mattinson attempting a shot but instead managed to cleverly roll the ball down the length of his shin, allowing the ball to fly off his boot at an awkward angle which deceived the keeper but not the bottom corner of the goal 1-0

 
The Wanderers tried to hit back immediately but lacked one vital attribute. Namely being able to play football. The lack of ability amongst the Wanderers will be glossed over as I find it hard to believe that any team can have such an utter lack of self-respect. Normally I would be the first person to gloat and take the piss but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Yes....they really were that bad. King tried his best to help them score but even his attempts to let the ball through his hands didn't result in a goal. After all, no one likes being patronised. It took the Lemons a whole minute to score their second, this time a defence splitting pass found Jake in space who expertly found the gap in the keepers arms to put the ball in. 2-0

 
Mattinson then added a further three goals in the same number of minutes. First he planted a header into the top corner from a great cross from Nick, he then scored one I can't be bothered to remember before beating the keeper to the ball and finishing from a good 2 yards. 5-0

 
Mattinson's uncharacteristic goal spree was met by quizzical looks from his own team as his goalscoring reputation has hardly been the stuff of legends up until now. Thankfully he settled down and resumed normal service after his fourth goal, managing to miss every other opportunity laid on a plate for him. The Wanderers did manage to have one shot which was going wide but a bored King decided to save it anyway, elaborately and pointlessly turning the ball round for a corner. Further goals were scored by Gench who added a couple of gems, walking through a number of pitiful challenges  to score, as well as contributions in the form of goals from Jones who ended a barren run without a goal, with a goal, Nick, who scored on his debut and Kearney. At half time, and with the 10-0 scoreline flattering the Weirdo Wanderers the crowd were anticipating a second half of the same free flowing, high scoring football.

Half Time 10-0

The second half began in the same way that the entire first half had. With a goal. By this point the Wanderers had completely given up and had taken to hugging the Lemons players as their tacking was proving to be so ineffective. Their intelligent tactics did pay off in a way as the Lemons only added to their tally by a further 5 goals, with Jake and Kearney finding the net with far too much ease. King began to think of bands with colours in their name to ease his boredom (The White Stripes, Green Day, Black Eyed Peas, Blue, Yellowcard, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, Barry White...) The Wanderers were so bad that they only threatened when Jones decided to play a series of testing backpasses to King, attempting to lob him and curl the ball in. Knowing full well that King never keeps clean sheets, the Lemons players were strangely focused and restrained, preferring to pepper the Wanderers goal with shots instead of irritating King by scoring against him. 20 goals were easily attainable for the Lemons however 20 goals proved to be unattainable. A series of wayward finishes, over elaboration and goal line misses (but no saves from the portly Wanderers goalkeeper) meant that the final score stayed at a respectable 15-0 in a game which proved to be easier than beating a wheelchair bound quadriplegic in a skipping competition.

Full Time 15-0


Player Stats

Dave King - 7  -Absolutely nothing to do but kept what is rumored to be his first clean sheet ever. (It isn't)
Indy Andy Jones - 8 - Flashes of brilliance. And a goal. Would have got a 9 but did try to score an own goal, making King unnecessarily panic as he was thinking of colour bands.
Nick - 8 - Great contribution. you wouldn't have known this was his first game for the Lemons as he slotted in so well.
Matt Gench - 8 - A foot injury did not detract from a supreme performance which included a number of goal assists as well as a couple of great strikes.
Charlie Mattinson - 9 (Man of the Match) - Scored 4. Ace! Would have got 10 but clearly lied about his back injury as no one plays that well with a bad back.
Jake - 8 - Highly underrated. 3rd game and more goals from Jake who is proving to be an extremely useful reserve player. 
Si - 9 - 5 goals. Full of running. Irritating the shit out of the opposition defence. Did what he does best for the whole game

Lemons vs. Beadle's Hand

RIP The Motivational Text Message

After last weeks demolition of Hunter House Harriers, the Lemons came into this game staring down at half of the league in fourth place. One place above them sat the eternally smug Beadle’s Hand. A team naming themselves after a minor television personality’s minor disability is quite indefendable. It’s not big, it’s not clever. Well maybe it was for the first year they used the name but to use it for a second year assumes that no-one tired of the ‘joke’ the previous year. I hope their children are all born with slightly disabled hands as well.
Anywho……
After last weeks successes with ignoring his team completely prior to the match, Manager King once again went with the text based communication methods, urging the team to ‘Take No Prisoners,’ pointing out that the Hand would be expecting to win. Because they are smug. 

Team selections were once again made difficult with the news that Indy Andy Jones would be sadly unavailable for this match. A disappointing piece of news, especially considering the effect Jones had last week. But in his defence it isn’t every day that perms are on special offer at the hairdressers. Scott Catling and Rich were drafted in after missing last weeks matches with highly implausible excuses. King was going to throw the book at them but in the absence of any literature and general lethargy the expected bollocking never took place. 

Within seconds of the match starting, the Hand mounted their first attack, a long range effort which trickled venomously into Kings hands. The resulting few minutes saw the Lemons inconveniently forget the basics of football, namely if you are playing 6-a-side it is a good idea to pick up players. This gave the Hand the freedom of the park, allowing them to spray passes around the field willy-nilly. Amateurish defending saw an unmarked Hand midfielder pick up the ball and slip it to a fellow unmarked player who would have had time to stop, dust the sand from his boots a grain at a time, do some handstands and still have ample time to finish with aplomb into the bottom corner. As it turned out, he decided that he wouldn’t use the time efficiently so just shot past King 0-1   

 
The slack defending would have even looked out of place at a Blind Under 7’s match. A blind 6 year old spectator commented “That defending was slack. And I can’t even see.” From the kick off the Lemons tried in vain time and time again to mount an attack. A decent effort from Kearney was saved by the Hand keeper but brief moments aside, there was nothing to get overly excited about. So no one did. The Hand duly doubled their lead with the Hand striker, Hurley barging in from the right before beating King with a low shot through a forest of legs. And not in the way that there were loads of legs around, in the way that the defence was static therefore resembling a load of trees. 0-2 

This setback almost spurred the Lemons to play football. A thunderous strike from Mattinson was palmed onto the crossbar before the crossbar came into play again, saving the Hand for a second time when a shot was deflected onto the bar. Against the previous 30 seconds run of play, the Hand increased their lead further when more comical defending allowed a Hand midfielder to skip lazily past a number of limp challenges and hit a low shot to King’s right just inside the post. 0-3

Half Time 0-3

After an inspired half time team talk of “That was crap.” from King, the Lemons went out for the second half understandably brimming with confidence. This showed in the first minute when defensive indecision from Gench allowed Slobodon, the world’s ugliest footballer, to beat King to the ball and fire into an unguarded net. 0-4 

Not only had the Hand increased their lead but the player to score had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Rubbish. The Lemons response was instant. And completely unconvincing with Mattinson hitting a 20 yard howitzer which curled nowhere near the goal but which did threaten the corner flag. If there was one. Which there wasn’t. 

The next five minutes were entirely forgettable with neither team bothering to register any attempts on target. Mattinson attempted an ambitious volley from a well taken corner for the Lemons which troubled the keeper. He had to run behind the goal to fetch the ball, seemingly tiring him out completely. After this appalling effort Mattinson rightly substituted himself. Well, at least he tried. Bless him. 

The Lemons then tried to make a game of it unluckily hitting the bar twice. The bar was having a tremendous game for the Hand. However Mattinson returned rejuvenated a few minutes later to lead a comeback of average proportions. Firstly Tom smashed a corner over which Fenwick converted from a good 2 yards. 1-4

 
Then Mattinson himself got on the scoresheet, claiming a goal that blatantly went in off a defender. Yet no-one noticed so the goal went to Mattinson. 2-4

 
With only seconds to go the Lemons mounted one last attack with Kearney literally skipping past the Hands defence and lashing a shot past their increasingly irate keeper. 3-4

However this proved to be the last kick of the game. The Lemons brief comeback was exactly that. Brief. Next week sees Cool Runnings take on the Lemons. Stay tuned for more Lemons related action.

Final Score 3-4

Player Ratings

Dave King – 6 – Let in too many goals yet saved lots more .
Charlie Mattinson – 8 – Rubbish shooting yet good defending+ scored.
Matt Gench – 6 – Played ok but can play so much better.
Rich – 4– Generous rating for a performance littered with errors.
Tom – 7 – Did all he could. Wasn’t enough.
Adam Fenwick – 7 – Scored and decent all round performance .
Scott Catling – 4 – Tried to play in too many positions, often exposing the Lemons at the back.
Simon Kearney – 7 – Scored. Again. Did well with the service he received.
The Crossbar - 9 (Man Of The Match) - 4 vital saves at pivotal moments in the game.

Lemons vs. Hunter House Harriers

Return Of The King

After the resounding 5-4 drubbing of Wayland Rovers the previous week, morale and belief in the Lemons camp was reported to be sky high. Similarly, Hunter House Harriers had reason to be optimistic about this fixture having not lost this season, posting a 6-4 victory against the Lemons in October and winning their previous match 12-2. The match was poised to be a classic. 

Manager/Captain King sent each team member (with the exception of Mattinson due to living arrangements) a motivational text message in order to raise self belief. Technologically advanced King decided to break with communication tradition, namely actually talking to your team prior to matches in favour of a text based method challenging each team member to put on their game face and bring their 'A' game. As well as a quid. 

The build up was marred with the news that Catling and Rich would be unavailable due to seashell painting/ robe stitching commitments respectively. This unexpected news will surely lead to a form of retribution from King, possibly in the form of suspensions or 'forgetting' to let them know about games. 

This led to a reshuffle of the team with Matt Gench being recalled and his mate Jake who boasts the most prolific goals to games ratio for the Lemons having played one, scored one. 

The Lemons began with King in goal, Mattinson and Jones in defence, Tom and Fenwick in midfield, Kearney as a solitary striker and Gench and Jake on the bench. 

The game began with the Harriers doing all the running, testing the Lemons defence with a series of testing balls, all of which were dealt with expertly by Jones, Mattinson and King on the rare occasions when the defenders missed the ball. Close attention was given to the burly Harriers striker who performed a nice range of stepovers, feints, dummies and other pointless but pretty tricks. He tested the defence and King on several occasions and came close to scoring with an elaborate backheel which was saved. After weathering the early storm, the Lemons remembered that they were there to play football, not watch a tricks demonstration and Fenwick and vertically challenged striker Kearney went close with long range drives before the first breakthrough came. Kearney bustled his way down the wing before squaring the ball to the onrushing Jake who lashed his shot to the left of the goalkeeper without even breaking stride. 1-0 

Not being accustomed to defending a lead ensured that the Lemons looked particularly susceptible in the next few minutes. Sure enough, the Harriers resident trickster was the source of the goal, performing a lovely pirouette followed by a triple salko on the edge of the Lemons box, completely bamboozling the defence before slipping his shot low to King's right into the bottom corner. His smug cry of 'Get In!' following the goal incensed Jones. And rightly so. 1-1 

 
The remainder of the half saw both teams create chances to go further front yet the Lemons defence superbly marshalled by a combination of Gench, Jones and Mattinson proved impossible to breach. Frustrations nearly boiled over as the stocky Harriers striker took a fancy to Jones' shirt and attempted to snatch it from his back. Either that or he was trying to kiss Jones. Sensing a possible personal space violation, Jones cleverly threw the powerful striker to the ground. And then it was half time!

Half Time 1-1

King's half time team talk looked to have been a waste of time as the Harriers began the second half faster than a fat girl at an all you can eat buffet. Within seconds King was tested with a long range shot which he did his best to make a complete meal of, managing to scramble the ball out for a corner. The ensuing minutes were filled with constant, unrelenting Harriers pressure and only a combination of good goalkeeping, lucky goalkeeping and superb defending prevented the Harriers from going ahead. There was another goal in the game and for long periods it looked as if the top of the table Harriers would be the ones to benefit. However a quickly taken free kick from Gench found Fenwick in space on the right wing. Fenwick's low, powerful, angled shot nestled into the net before the Harriers keeper could move.  2-1 

 
The celebrations following Fenwick's goal showed how much it meant to the Lemons although the players were all aware that the Harriers team still had goals in them. However it was the Lemons who applied the pressure with the pint sized Kearney creating chances and generally making a nuisance of himself. A long ball out of defence found Kearney through on goal but was wrestled/kicked/shoved out of the way by a Harriers defender. Although a red card should have been the only outcome, the referee who worked to the 'whoever shouts the loudest gets the decision' policy somehow decided that the offence was not worth an early bath for the Harriers player. This decision angered the Lemons and concentration slipped, with King being called unnecessarily into action due to defensive lapses. Thankfully King had decided to take his own textual advice and brought his 'A' game, saving everything that the Harriers could throw at him. Despite only threatening sporadically, the Lemons increased their lead against the run of play with prolific sub-midget striker Kearney adding to his impressive goals tally, following in at the far post to poke the ball home from close range. 3-1

 
Despite renewed calls for concentration from shouty King, the Lemons decided that they wanted to make the game more interesting and attempted to let the Harriers back into the game through a series of misplaced passes. Thankfully the rotund King proved to be an intimidating barrier, repelling the best efforts of the Harriers players. The last few minutes saw the team actually pay attention to the manager with a series of committed challenges from all players as well as some impressive ball retaining skills when in possession. The fun-boy forward for the Harriers decided that he would rather run around kicking people than play football which resulted in the heroic Mattinson ending the game with a dent in his leg. After withstanding long periods of pressure the final whistle went, signalling many celebrations from the Lemons players who will go into next weeks game against local rivals Beadles Hand as favourites.

Final Score 3-1


Player Ratings

Dave King - 10 (Man of the Match) - Remembered how to play after 3 months out injured. Receives the Man Of The Match award as this may be the only good game he has all season.
Charlie Mattinson - 9 - Defensive rock.  Made challenges, won headers. Nothing more could have been asked of him. And ended the game with a hole in his leg. Get well soon!!
Indy Andy Jones - 9 - Heroic. And managed to resist the advances of the Harriers striker commendably.
Matt Gench - 9 - Superb return. Marshalled the defence as well as helping out the midfield
Adam Fenwick - 9 - Capped a great performance with a sweet strike.
Tom - 9 - As committed and reliable as ever. Works quietly but is an essential member of the team.
Simon Kearney - 9 - Worked hard in defence and attack, scoring another goal.
Jake - 9 - Nothing was expected of him yet he delivered a fabulous performance.