Lemons vs. Beadle's Hand

RIP The Motivational Text Message

After last weeks demolition of Hunter House Harriers, the Lemons came into this game staring down at half of the league in fourth place. One place above them sat the eternally smug Beadle’s Hand. A team naming themselves after a minor television personality’s minor disability is quite indefendable. It’s not big, it’s not clever. Well maybe it was for the first year they used the name but to use it for a second year assumes that no-one tired of the ‘joke’ the previous year. I hope their children are all born with slightly disabled hands as well.
Anywho……
After last weeks successes with ignoring his team completely prior to the match, Manager King once again went with the text based communication methods, urging the team to ‘Take No Prisoners,’ pointing out that the Hand would be expecting to win. Because they are smug. 

Team selections were once again made difficult with the news that Indy Andy Jones would be sadly unavailable for this match. A disappointing piece of news, especially considering the effect Jones had last week. But in his defence it isn’t every day that perms are on special offer at the hairdressers. Scott Catling and Rich were drafted in after missing last weeks matches with highly implausible excuses. King was going to throw the book at them but in the absence of any literature and general lethargy the expected bollocking never took place. 

Within seconds of the match starting, the Hand mounted their first attack, a long range effort which trickled venomously into Kings hands. The resulting few minutes saw the Lemons inconveniently forget the basics of football, namely if you are playing 6-a-side it is a good idea to pick up players. This gave the Hand the freedom of the park, allowing them to spray passes around the field willy-nilly. Amateurish defending saw an unmarked Hand midfielder pick up the ball and slip it to a fellow unmarked player who would have had time to stop, dust the sand from his boots a grain at a time, do some handstands and still have ample time to finish with aplomb into the bottom corner. As it turned out, he decided that he wouldn’t use the time efficiently so just shot past King 0-1   

 
The slack defending would have even looked out of place at a Blind Under 7’s match. A blind 6 year old spectator commented “That defending was slack. And I can’t even see.” From the kick off the Lemons tried in vain time and time again to mount an attack. A decent effort from Kearney was saved by the Hand keeper but brief moments aside, there was nothing to get overly excited about. So no one did. The Hand duly doubled their lead with the Hand striker, Hurley barging in from the right before beating King with a low shot through a forest of legs. And not in the way that there were loads of legs around, in the way that the defence was static therefore resembling a load of trees. 0-2 

This setback almost spurred the Lemons to play football. A thunderous strike from Mattinson was palmed onto the crossbar before the crossbar came into play again, saving the Hand for a second time when a shot was deflected onto the bar. Against the previous 30 seconds run of play, the Hand increased their lead further when more comical defending allowed a Hand midfielder to skip lazily past a number of limp challenges and hit a low shot to King’s right just inside the post. 0-3

Half Time 0-3

After an inspired half time team talk of “That was crap.” from King, the Lemons went out for the second half understandably brimming with confidence. This showed in the first minute when defensive indecision from Gench allowed Slobodon, the world’s ugliest footballer, to beat King to the ball and fire into an unguarded net. 0-4 

Not only had the Hand increased their lead but the player to score had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Rubbish. The Lemons response was instant. And completely unconvincing with Mattinson hitting a 20 yard howitzer which curled nowhere near the goal but which did threaten the corner flag. If there was one. Which there wasn’t. 

The next five minutes were entirely forgettable with neither team bothering to register any attempts on target. Mattinson attempted an ambitious volley from a well taken corner for the Lemons which troubled the keeper. He had to run behind the goal to fetch the ball, seemingly tiring him out completely. After this appalling effort Mattinson rightly substituted himself. Well, at least he tried. Bless him. 

The Lemons then tried to make a game of it unluckily hitting the bar twice. The bar was having a tremendous game for the Hand. However Mattinson returned rejuvenated a few minutes later to lead a comeback of average proportions. Firstly Tom smashed a corner over which Fenwick converted from a good 2 yards. 1-4

 
Then Mattinson himself got on the scoresheet, claiming a goal that blatantly went in off a defender. Yet no-one noticed so the goal went to Mattinson. 2-4

 
With only seconds to go the Lemons mounted one last attack with Kearney literally skipping past the Hands defence and lashing a shot past their increasingly irate keeper. 3-4

However this proved to be the last kick of the game. The Lemons brief comeback was exactly that. Brief. Next week sees Cool Runnings take on the Lemons. Stay tuned for more Lemons related action.

Final Score 3-4

Player Ratings

Dave King – 6 – Let in too many goals yet saved lots more .
Charlie Mattinson – 8 – Rubbish shooting yet good defending+ scored.
Matt Gench – 6 – Played ok but can play so much better.
Rich – 4– Generous rating for a performance littered with errors.
Tom – 7 – Did all he could. Wasn’t enough.
Adam Fenwick – 7 – Scored and decent all round performance .
Scott Catling – 4 – Tried to play in too many positions, often exposing the Lemons at the back.
Simon Kearney – 7 – Scored. Again. Did well with the service he received.
The Crossbar - 9 (Man Of The Match) - 4 vital saves at pivotal moments in the game.