Lemons vs. Cool Runnings

Lousy Lemons Last Large Legitimate Loss

So, this is where it all ends. For everyone. Not only did this game signal the end of the Cryptic Lemons, it also signaled the end of each players 6-a-side career at university (Apart from the few who were going to play for other teams in the playoffs.) The Lemons had only 30 minutes left to display everything that they had learnt at university (in a footballing sense, not a text based learning sense.) Each player knew that this would be the last time that they pulled on the now famous yellow jersey and, as a result should have resulted in a spirited performance. Only it didn't. 

The opponents, Cool Runnings were something of an enigma, having only entered the league at the halfway stage. Their performances had been erratic and according to our vague statistician, had lost a few but also won a few. This sort of irrelevant data should have spurred the Lemons on as the Runnings could be beaten. Only they weren't. 

Playing their second game in 4 days, the Lemons were able to keep the same team for the first time in the season which you would assume meant that the players would be aware of how each other play. Well, dear reader, if you have learnt anything from these hastily compiled, mainly false reports, it is that you should never assume anything. It'll only make you look stupid. Jones was once again absent as his angina flared up again just a few hours prior to kick off. Despite the setback, he still turned up to spectate, braving the Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat temperatures.

This meant that the Lemons kept their almost familiar line up of  the bulky King in goal, the warhorse-like Mattinson and Gench in defence, the creative mixed with the committed Tom and Fenwick in midfield and Kearney buzzing around like a blue arsed fly up front. Assisting Jones with cheerleading duties were Jake and Catling.

For the first few seconds, it appeared that the game could swing either way, with the Lemons keeping the ball for a good 5 seconds before giving it away cheaply for the first time. The Runnings sensed this lack of heart, passion, effort and commitment within minutes and began peppering Kings goal with shots from every angle, all of which he managed to deal with. At the other end, the Runnings keeper was indulging in a packed lunch he'd brought himself, tucking into a ham sandwich and a Trio as King and the Lemons defence were trying to cope with the non-stop onslaught that was battering them and threatening to break through. Finally, and unsurprisingly, the Runnings scored, with their ever impressive striker finding the smallest corner of the goal to slide the ball into, curling it past King 0-1

 
Having not learnt from their mistakes, the Lemons went on to concede an identical goal. although seemingly
deja-vu, the referee let the goal stand, rejecting please that goal had been scored a minute earlier and everyone on the pitch was suffering from deja-vu at the exact same time. 0-2

 
The double strike soon became a quadruple strike within a matter of minutes, firstly, sliding in at the back post to knock a hopeful cross into the net then heading a deflected cross in at the same back post. Although questions were raised about how the same player could be unmarked 4 times to score 4 goals in about 4 minutes with 4 different body parts from 4 angles to put his team 4-0 up, no-one raised the issue of the number 4 which seemingly played an innocent part in the Lemons downfall. But I guess the blame needs to go somewhere and the unwitting number 4 will shoulder all of the blame.  0-4

By this point, and with any notion that they may win the game firmly behind them, the Lemons began playing football in the way that they can and have been. The pressure of expectation had been lifted and firmly dispelled by the time Fenwick pulled an undeserved goal back for the Lemons, taking the ball on his chest inside his own half before powering into the Runnings half and interrupting the keeper who was halfway through a packet of Chocolate Hob Nob's to rifle a shot into the net from outside the area. 1-4

Any notion that this goal could life the Lemons was quickly eradicated as the Runnings scored again to restore their 4 goal cushion, and for once their prolific striker was not the recipient of some insipid defending, instead some other fella was, brilliantly evading no challenges on his merry way to goal. 1-5

Thankfully the half time whistle was blown shortly after to save the Lemons from any further embarrassment

Half-Time 1-5

During the half time break, the Lemons brought out their secret weapon which must only be used in times of extreme crisis. From his bag, King produced 8 pairs of Gareth Southgate (Champion Of The English National Football Team) endorsed Ball Boy Shoes. Why anyone would want shoes worn by a ball boy is still a mystery but an endorsement from Gareth Southgate can only be a good thing. With a renewed sense of hope, the Lemons began the second half......well......badly......No one played as well as Gareth Southgate and may even forgot the basics of football: passing, tackling and movement. Mentioning shooting wasn't even necessary as it looked as if the Lemons wouldn't even get that close to the Runnings goal. After trying unsuccessfully to let the Runnings increase their lead even further by not bothering to mark any of their players, the Lemons scored completely against the run of play, with Tom turning home a cut back ball to reduce the deficit. 2-5

Things were looking up but promptly looked down again as the Runnings scored 2 in quick succession, with their players being given enough time to compose themselves, recite a Shakespeare play, invent a time travel machine and still have time to finish with aplomb past the increasingly irate King. 2-6

The teams traded goals for a little bit just for shits and giggles as both teams realised that the game had been won and lost in the first half. Catling added a third for the Lemons before the Runnings scored again. Just for a laugh, Tom scored his second, profiting from the referees lack of movement, bringing the ball back into play and scoring a cheeky goal. With the score at 4-7, the Lemons were keen to push on as there were more goals in the game. Only not for them. Keeping to the 'you score one, we score one' pattern, the Lemons stood still from the kick off, allowing the prolific Runnings striker to walk through a number of wafting challenges before adding to his, and the Runnings tally. 4-8

 
And that was it. The season had officially ended as had the Lemons existence. But all team members know that in their hearts , once a Lemon, always a Lemon. And that's meant in a non-derogatory way. I'm out.

Final-Score 4-8

Player Ratings

Dave King - 6 - Conceded 8. Nuff said.
Charlie Mattinson - 6 - A shadow of his former self.
Matt Gench - 6 - Don't recall too much about Matt's performance which could be a good thing. Or a bad thing.
Tom - 7 (Man of the Match) - Tried and weighed in with a few goals but unable to do it all on his own.
Adam Fenwick - 6 - Didn't do too much wrong, just failed to influence the game in the way that he can.
Simon Kearney - 5 - Very poor by his standards, given very little opportunity and missed when he did get opportunities.
Jake - 4 - Inability to play an easy ball or tackle resulted in much frustration.
Scott Catling - 4 - Unable to stay in one position and mark, one of 6-a-sides deadly sins.