Lemons vs. Ecclesall Dynasty

Lavish Lemons Liquidate Large Lame Line-Up

The unfortunate but slightly deserved defeat last week to Barca-Loners ensured that the game against Ecclesall Dynasty meant approximately nothing. To anyone. Ecclesall Dynasty's season ended after the first ever game where the Lemons took them apart to record a 5-4 victory. So it was to the Lemons credit that they kept their season going this long and even though the prospect of reaching the playoffs was still just about mathematically possible (if an elaborate series of events culminating in most other teams dropping out of the league took place), Manager King preferred to be cynical and pessimistic, announcing prior to the game that the Lemons had no chance of ever reaching the playoffs. Ever. Even if they tried really hard. 

Arguments concerning King's man management skills aside, the Lemons were able to field a near full strength team with the exception of Jones whose community service coincided with the game. Well, if you're going to heckle Bingo callers, you should expect to be punished. As the old saying goes: Don't Do The Crime If You Can't Do The Time. So while Jones was completing a thoroughly meaningless task, so were the Lemons. 

Catling was recalled this week after a period out after returning from hospital following his plastic surgery to look like his favourite star. Apparently Brian Blessed thinks the outcome is "...uncanny but slightly creepy..."

Starting the game for the Lemons was the now familiar line-up of King in goal, Tom and Gench in defence, Fenwick and Catling in Midfield, Kearney beavering away up front and Mattinson and Jake warming the bench. The Dynasty brought along a cast of thousands, possibly under the impression that bringing 25 rubbish players would somehow intimidate the Lemons more than if they just brought their usual 8 rubbish players. This attempted psychological warfare backfired as watching them warm-up for around 30 seconds dispelled rumours that the Dynasty had any useful players.

For the first few minutes, the Lemons decided to sit back and soak up all the pressure that the Dynasty could possibly muster. It amounted to a few shots that were only on target because they were miss-hit, a couple of corners which would have been well-worked if the players knew what each other was doing and a series of long balls to the fat lad up front who would hold it up before releasing it. Hardly impressive. Although their 5 female supporters made obligatory female fan noises (OOOOOHHHHing and AHHHHHing as if they were watching a fireworks display), nobody was under the impression that the Dynasty were coming close to a goal. After employing the 'knock it to the fat lad' tactic for the 14th time, the Lemons became wise to the brilliant game plan of the Dynasty. Slowly, the Lemons began to pick off Dynasty passes at will and marked the fat lad tight, ensuring that the only thing he had time to release was copious amounts of sweat. Which he did.

All of the Dynastys good work was quickly undone as Kearney unleashed a rapier of a shot before the Keeper had time to remove his hands from his pockets. 1-0

In a twist to the Spice Girls classic, one became two soon after, with Kearney again involved, turning from goalscorer to goal provider, laying off a neat pass just inside the area for Tom to sweep home, prompting jubilant celebrations from no-one such was the Lemons hunger to restart and get more goals. 2-0

Only the goals would have to come post-half time as both teams offered very little in the period leading up until the half time whistle.

Half Time 2-0

Unsurprisingly, the goals continued to flow after the break although they took a while to come. Fenwick was the first to profit, showing that he is much more than a one trick pony when it comes to scoring goals, preferring to turn a few defenders before unleashing an angled blast across the keeper from outside the box this week, marking a departure from his recent strikes. 3-0

But then as the Lemons looked to assume total control of the game, the Dynasty decided that they would give their supporters something to get properly excited about. Their first goal came as a result of some kindly play by the Lemons defence. On a number of occasions the Dynasty strikers were presented with the ball in the area but somehow contrived to spurn opportunity after opportunity. However, with the defence nowhere to be seen, King rolling around on the floor and the ball hovering around the goal line, the fat lad managed to put the ball in prompting unnecessarily vocal cheers from the female fans. 3-1

Within a minute, the Dynasty were only one behind, with a Dynasty striker planting a shot into the net with his 50p foot, completely wrong-footing King. 3-2

With the lead down to one goal, the Lemons stopped toying with their opponents and began playing football again. The gulf in quality was displayed as Mattinson turned sharply near the potentially deadly stone wall, taking out two defenders who could only stand around looking bemused as he hit a curling drive past the keeper from outside the area. 4-2

Sensing an imminent defeat, the Dynasty thought that they would try their hand at another sport, namely tag team wrestling. They informed the referee of their plans but failed to tell the Lemons who came under a number of robust challenges, Kearney in particular being a target of their misplaced wrath. The lack of free kicks incensed the Lemons players but their protests were only met with a nonchalent shrug of the referees shoulders whose interpretation of the rules of Football slightly differed to that of the Lemons. Somewhere amongst the fighting, a game of football broke out, allowing Fenwick to register his second goal and the Lemons fifth. 5-2

Although the Lemons had few opportunities to add to their lead, they managed to contain the lack of threat posed by the Dynasty, with Catling in particular out to destroy legs with a number of crunching tackles. The referee displayed that he did know something about football by blowing his whistle for full time minutes later bringing the game to an end, leaving the Lemons with the smallest of outside chances of qualification. Even though they won't.

Full Time 5-2

Player Ratings

Dave King - 7 - No chance with either of the goals and made the saves he needed to make at the times saves needed making. Which is lucky otherwise it would have resulted in more goals.
Charlie Mattinson - 8 - Commitment personified. Scored a peach, was nearly sick and got a bloody nose. Brilliant!
Matt Gench - 8 - Another good performance. Didn't try anything too fancy which helped the team look solid at the back.
Tom - 7 - Scored a rare goal as well as contributing a lot both in defence and attack.
Jake - 6 - Unpredictable this week, showed nice skills but too often followed it with no end product.
Scott Catling - 7 - A much improved performance. A couple of huge tackles were the highlight of a performance full of promise.
Adam Fenwick - 9 (Man of the Match) - 2 goals that showed he can strike the ball from all areas and proved to be a threat all game.
Simon Kearney - 8 - Scored one and set up 3 others. Another successful day at the office.