Lemons vs. Weirdo Wanderers

Lethal, Liberated Lemons Leather Lethargic Losers

With the winter months ending with great spite and vengance, the Lemons game the previous week was called off due to a load of small white stuff falling from the sky. Experts later confirmed that the white stuff was in fact 'snow,' a substance rarely seen in England and judging by the complete over reaction to cancel last weeks game, it is seemingly viewed as being treacherous to the point where a 30 minute football game cannot take place. Whinges aside, it's just as well that the game didn't take place because the Lemons squad was depleted with Mattinson visiting a Leprechaun convention in Dublin and various other essential squad members MIA.

However squad selection was not made any easier this week as Tom,Fenwick, Rich and Catling all provided King with plausible excuses why they wouldn't be turning up. A late scare was avoided as Mattinson performed a hi-tempo workout to 'It's Raining Men' in the front room minutes before kickoff to ease the pain he had allegedly been suffering in his back. However his reluctance to allow the team Physio to examine his back further increased speculation that Mattinson actually enjoys performing elaborate dance routines to 80's disco classics. Mattinson was therefore able to take his place in the team along with Gench's mates Nick and the prolific Jake who were drafted in late to ease the load.

The Lemons started with King in goal, Mattinson and Nick in defence, Gench and Jake  in midfield and Kearney up front.
Having not played for a week it would be expected (and understandable) for the Lemons to gently ease into the game before remembering how to play football later in the game. Not being a team which sticks with convention, the Lemons instead went ahead within 30 seconds with Mattinson attempting a shot but instead managed to cleverly roll the ball down the length of his shin, allowing the ball to fly off his boot at an awkward angle which deceived the keeper but not the bottom corner of the goal 1-0

 
The Wanderers tried to hit back immediately but lacked one vital attribute. Namely being able to play football. The lack of ability amongst the Wanderers will be glossed over as I find it hard to believe that any team can have such an utter lack of self-respect. Normally I would be the first person to gloat and take the piss but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Yes....they really were that bad. King tried his best to help them score but even his attempts to let the ball through his hands didn't result in a goal. After all, no one likes being patronised. It took the Lemons a whole minute to score their second, this time a defence splitting pass found Jake in space who expertly found the gap in the keepers arms to put the ball in. 2-0

 
Mattinson then added a further three goals in the same number of minutes. First he planted a header into the top corner from a great cross from Nick, he then scored one I can't be bothered to remember before beating the keeper to the ball and finishing from a good 2 yards. 5-0

 
Mattinson's uncharacteristic goal spree was met by quizzical looks from his own team as his goalscoring reputation has hardly been the stuff of legends up until now. Thankfully he settled down and resumed normal service after his fourth goal, managing to miss every other opportunity laid on a plate for him. The Wanderers did manage to have one shot which was going wide but a bored King decided to save it anyway, elaborately and pointlessly turning the ball round for a corner. Further goals were scored by Gench who added a couple of gems, walking through a number of pitiful challenges  to score, as well as contributions in the form of goals from Jones who ended a barren run without a goal, with a goal, Nick, who scored on his debut and Kearney. At half time, and with the 10-0 scoreline flattering the Weirdo Wanderers the crowd were anticipating a second half of the same free flowing, high scoring football.

Half Time 10-0

The second half began in the same way that the entire first half had. With a goal. By this point the Wanderers had completely given up and had taken to hugging the Lemons players as their tacking was proving to be so ineffective. Their intelligent tactics did pay off in a way as the Lemons only added to their tally by a further 5 goals, with Jake and Kearney finding the net with far too much ease. King began to think of bands with colours in their name to ease his boredom (The White Stripes, Green Day, Black Eyed Peas, Blue, Yellowcard, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, Barry White...) The Wanderers were so bad that they only threatened when Jones decided to play a series of testing backpasses to King, attempting to lob him and curl the ball in. Knowing full well that King never keeps clean sheets, the Lemons players were strangely focused and restrained, preferring to pepper the Wanderers goal with shots instead of irritating King by scoring against him. 20 goals were easily attainable for the Lemons however 20 goals proved to be unattainable. A series of wayward finishes, over elaboration and goal line misses (but no saves from the portly Wanderers goalkeeper) meant that the final score stayed at a respectable 15-0 in a game which proved to be easier than beating a wheelchair bound quadriplegic in a skipping competition.

Full Time 15-0


Player Stats

Dave King - 7  -Absolutely nothing to do but kept what is rumored to be his first clean sheet ever. (It isn't)
Indy Andy Jones - 8 - Flashes of brilliance. And a goal. Would have got a 9 but did try to score an own goal, making King unnecessarily panic as he was thinking of colour bands.
Nick - 8 - Great contribution. you wouldn't have known this was his first game for the Lemons as he slotted in so well.
Matt Gench - 8 - A foot injury did not detract from a supreme performance which included a number of goal assists as well as a couple of great strikes.
Charlie Mattinson - 9 (Man of the Match) - Scored 4. Ace! Would have got 10 but clearly lied about his back injury as no one plays that well with a bad back.
Jake - 8 - Highly underrated. 3rd game and more goals from Jake who is proving to be an extremely useful reserve player. 
Si - 9 - 5 goals. Full of running. Irritating the shit out of the opposition defence. Did what he does best for the whole game